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A post you’re not supposed to write

Let me start by saying life is awesome. I’m having a blast and I couldn’t imagine having more fun than I currently am. However, I will admit that it isn’t what I imagined life would be at age 28. I thought that I would be married and possibly with a child or at least one on the way.

This is the kind of blog post that you’re not supposed to write. You’re not supposed to say this stuff out loud because it’s awkward and even perhaps desperate sounding. But it’s been on my heart for a while and I know there are others who feel the same way.

The photo here is from 10 years ago at 18 on a Life Teen retreat (I am the geek in the middle holding the Bible). I know that the girl in that picture had no idea what was in store for her. But I can honestly say the dreams did not include being 28 and single.

Saturday night, I tweeted about how I am jealous of my friends who are married with/without children and the response was overwhelming. To those who responded to me, thanks for all the supportive tweets. It meant a lot in my time of need and was, in a very selfish way, refreshing to know I am NOT alone.

Saturday I attended a Baptism and it was beautiful. I loved seeing my friends with their beautiful daughter as she received such grace from our Lord. But as I held this precious child at the celebration following the service, I couldn’t help but yearn for it to be MY TURN to have these moments. “Lord, when will you provide this for me?”, I thought to myself.

Then at Mass today, God revealed Himself to me in a very real and reassuring way. The second reading was so very appropriate for my current struggle – 1 Corinthians 7:32-35: “Brothers and sisters: I should like you to be free of anxieties … An unmarried woman or a virgin is anxious about the things of the Lord, so that she may be holy in both body and spirit.”

“To be free of anxieties” … wouldn’t that just be a great place to be in life? Society imposes so many pressures upon us and I am my own worst enemy by imposing even more goals for myself. I often feel that there must be something wrong with me to be 28 and single. That no one will ever want to marry me.

Following Mass, I met with a group of young adults from my parish to further discuss the readings from Mass. It was a beautiful thing. The entire group shared my worries and frustrations and anxieties about our current states in life. Just 24 hours after I shared my feelings, God provides me with a group of Catholics with whom to share in this struggle. Praise God for His understanding and grace.

I am not alone.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I love my life. I’m very happy … but my heart desires more.

I desire a holy man who will build me up and help me create an amazing family one day. It’s something that I’m not willing to compromise on. But I’m finding more and more that this is difficult to find. I must trust, however, in the Lord that He’s got a divine plan for me – whether it’s to be single or to be married. I can’t wait til I can hold MY child on his or her baptism day.

I should (and do) count my blessings that I love my job and I get to travel – truly my favorite thing to do! Perhaps God hasn’t introduced my spouse to me yet because I’m not ready and because I still have the desire to be always on the go. But it’s on the weekend when I feel a void in my life. Friends are busy with their spouses and significant others. I spend a lot of time alone. I’m a textbook extrovert so this is challenging for me! To be honest, I often dread the arrival of the weekend. I feel forgotten and lonely.

But thankfully, God has provided friends – both locally and all over – who help build me up. Dustin (@16bitCatholic) over at The Catholic Lovebirds tried to start a hashtag campaign to #findVabsadate. Nothing came of it, but it sure made me laugh. So thanks for that, buddy. Maybe one day …

So my challenge is to trust, be patient and do my best to live out God’s will for me. In the mean time, as I continue to discern my vocation, I must keep faith and carry on. God provides. My humanity just struggles to remember this amidst my selfishness.

Pray for me and I for you. “Be Free of Anxieties.”

Cheers -

Vabs

  • Mark S.

    May you always be free of anxiety because we have one Father in heaven who loves us and wants the very best for us. Do not fret that you feel anxious. it is natural. But also know you are loved by so many in so many ways here in the Body of Christ. Know that i will remnember you in my morning and evening prayers, ESPECIALLY on the weekends.

    • Anonymous

      Thanks, Mark! :-)

  • Anonymous

    *internet hug* thanks for being so honest. I feel exactly the same way. The 2nd reading smacked me upside the head today, especially coupled with attending a friend’s baby’s baptism yesterday…. Yeah. I hear you.
    You do know of Seraphic, right, of http://www.seraphicsinglescummings.blogspot.com ? Her blog is a little bubble of single sanity and humor and sage advice among fellow Catholic girls in their mid/late twenties.

  • http://twitter.com/colonel4God Kyle Sanders

    Sarah this must have been a difficult post to write. All that will read it will be floored by your openness and honesty. It truly hit to the root of the original format of a weblog. Geekness set aside. When I encounter loneliness, which is a part of the life of a diocesan priest, the only place that I have to go is in front of the Blessed Sacrament. Jesus isn’t always the first companion that I think of, but He seems to always Tebow it in the end, pulling out something fantastic in the final moments. 

    • Anonymous

      Thanks, Deacon. Your support truly means a lot to me. Prayer is definitely the answer!

  • http://funkydung.com/ Eric Williams

    Too bad you’re in Atlanta instead of Pittsburgh. My best friend (and the godfather of my oldest child) is 32 and single.

    • Anonymous

      Haha. Thanks for thinking of me!

  • Rachaelvdaniels

    It’s comforting to know there is another 28 year old Catholic girl who feels the same way I do. Thinks the same thing. I have often thought of where I’m at & it not being part of my plan. Finally, I’m glad. Happy that my current station in life is just where God wants me. God bless you & free you of all anxiety. Trust in Him & know that all shall be exceedingly well!

    • Anonymous

      Rachael, thanks for your kind words!

  • @fr_hasser

    Sarah, im sure youre asking this in prayer, but this is just an invitation to espouse yourself fruitfully forever to the Original Man, crucified & risen. You’re not alone.

    • Anonymous

      Appreciate your words, Father.

  • Lisa Schmidt

    A lovely, insightful, personal post. Thank you for sharing. Praying for you, friend!

    • Anonymous

      Thanks, Lisa. You and Joel are such a wonderful example of what my heart desires! Thank you for your witness!

  • http://twitter.com/TXKristan Kristan Doerfler

    I’m right with ya, sister.  

  • CallMeCatholic

    I find this to be a common struggle with Catholics regardless of age. It seems nowadays that many desire the opportunity of marriage, and especially with devout Catholics, which are extremely rare to find in the current day & age. 

    I noticed as a college student at a private Catholic University that there were still VERY few “Catholics”. If I got a dollar for every time that I heard “Oh I’m Catholic” from a person who didn’t believe in pre-marital relation teachings, the pro-life/pro-choice debate, etc. then I would be a very rich man. 

    As a young Catholic, all I can do is pray that you and all of the other Catholic folks out there will find their rightly deserved spouses one day. I concur that the reading from Corinthians did speak volumes to me, personally, and I guess we can only pray & wait. 

    God Bless & Good Luck!

    • Anonymous

      God bless you as well!

  • Ashleymarie6

    This is beautiful. I’d like to tell you how much I admire you for sticking to your guns on finding the right man. SO MANY people I know have settled for ‘good enough’ because they’re scared of being alone. I get it. OH, how I get the temptation to do so.

    But, when you find that guy, that special, wonderful guy, you’ll be so, so glad you didn’t settle for someone who you knew your heart wasn’t the one for you. (Not saying that he’ll be perfect. Lord knows a 100% perfect person doesn’t exist!)

    Thank you for sharing, Sarah. You are so loved.

    • Anonymous

      Thank you, Ashley!!

  • Mark S.

    BTW, meant to say last night: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!  Sorry for the shout, just wanted you to hear.

  • Shelly Kelly

    A very poignant and honest post Sarah.  The second reading really hit me hard too - although for entirely different reasons (says the 41 yr old married with children, about to change jobs, major life-stress.) I will continue to hold you in my prayers that when God reveals His plan to you in His time, you will recognize it. You will so appreciate that you wrote this post in a few years when you look back at it from a new perspective.

    • Anonymous

      Thanks, Shelly – your friendship and prayers mean a lot to me. Can’t wait to see you again soon!

  • http://twitter.com/PatGohn Pat Gohn

    Hi Sarah,

    Thanks for this post. I know a few virtuous gentlemen and this is what I see: The godly man is out working somewhere trying to save some money in a negative economy so he can one day support a family, or he is completing a Masters and has little time to date between school and work, or he is completing a tour of duty abroad before he comes back to settle down. The godly man is also looking to heaven with a similar prayer. In the meantime, God sees you both (isn’t that a comfort?) and is calling you to go deep with Him NOW as you love and serve those He is putting in front of you every day… from your family, to your friends, to your colleagues, to the strangers you meet. This will certainly enlarge your heart in magnanimous and selfless ways… great virtues for any godly woman, especially one that God may one day call to marriage and family life with her husband. 
    Proverbs 31: 30 “Charm is deceptive and beauty fleeting;the woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.”

  • KateM

    As a 31 year old who met her fiancé a week after my 30 birthday, I hear you sister. And the well meaning comments from friends sometimes are the hardest. For some reason God seams to be asking this sacrifice from many good women. And loneliness is a very hard cross. However, a friend told me once that I was a role model for her, trying to live a holy life in the world as a single woman. I realized that carrying my cross was easing that if others. Clearly you are doing the same via your blog. Prays for you and that God sends your spouse soon!

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